Whiplash

n. Injury caused by a severe jerk when you’re moving too damn fast

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To put things into their metaphorical perspective – my last year at school will begin tomorrow. This feeling isn’t what everyone describes it as.

It’s not a sudden urge to do everything right and be great, or a feeling of immense nostalgia, or even anguish and an overwhelming sense of futility. For me, it’s a childlike bewilderment – something closer to what I felt when my grandmother died when I was very young and I didn’t comprehend what was so possibly sad about it, after my mother explained the concept of death to me. It’s the emotion you feel when you’re spinning for a minute and you stop all of a sudden; the world keeps on spinning even if you aren’t. Suddenly I’m here at this sudden sally of the brooke of my life and I’m confused as to why it surprises me even though I knew it was coming all along.

Perhaps I delude myself, though. Yes, I’ve known it was coming all along. Like a wanderer studying topography on a map, my prairie-dwelling self never saw a mountain. It’s irrelevant that I’ve grown up seeing photographs of it and reading literature accorded to its magnificence and terror alike. I delude myself into thinking I know this because I know the facts and figures about it; a thousand stories cannot compensate for experience. The range will inevitably be crossed, even if the time and the effort vary. It’s time for me to ascend the mountain.

I’m childishly befuddled about what lies ahead. I realize that I know only the answer that everyone else has given to me – something that may not even be applicable for me. I feel that everything passed by too fast, and this moment is stretched out as long as all of it together. All of my life has led up to and is encompassed in this small, dissatisfactory point in space and time. If I have been falling, then this is the landing. I feel empty and overwhelmed at the same time, and too odd for me, calm. I feel a whiplash.

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